Reader

As we travel through life, everyday learning more and more about what life could actually be about, we are met with countless conundrums. Our mind, conscious and subconscious, are filters that always seep through information, building us up. And that is a pretty nifty thing to consider, because they inarguably are very useful tools that we have, yet we do not appreciate them nearly enough.

The biggest problem with having these though, is that we do not take the time to sharpen and care for these tools. Some of us believe that we can just coast through life, without a single care in the world, not paying attention to whether or not these tools are deteriorated. But why would we care for these tools? There are plenty of whys to answer, but I'll go on answering two of the more important ones.

1. Why most don't care about these tools:

• That unfortunately is just the effect of the current world we live in. Our senses are being willingly dulled out by everything around us. We are tired out, but we are made to pay attention to things that don't really matter, so we don't pay attention to the things that actually matter. It's a great act of deflection and distraction, really. Keeps the populi relatively controlled.

1. Why you should care about these tools:

• This boils down to a simple matter of reasoning and logic. Why would we have these tools if they didn't matter? Therefore, since we have them, we must learn how to make best use of them, in a healthy, and correct way.

How do we do this?

We must take conscious steps to slow down and realise where exactly we stand in life. Yes, it is a tremendous and tiring effort to do some actual introspection, however it is well worth the time and energy. Once we do that though, we need to have a proper point of reference. And that is the tricky part. Most of us don't get the luxury nowadays to have a proper point of reference, simply because people get dragged along with the times, and the times make people lost and dull. Even those who really try their best to do what is right, can unfortunately get lost in sauce, much like every one of us poor souls living in these godforsaken times. Times that are dressed up to look and seem nice (and evidently are better in many ways than the past), but times that hide so many of the wrongs and degradation that is worse than ever before.

All of that is painful. But it's fine. We aren't irredeemable. We just need to pay attention and be sincere to ourselves. And we aren't alone. So many of us just simply aren't in the right place for now, but with the right help and adequate humility, we'll get there. And it might take time, but when we do find the right point of reference our perspectives grow.

Where patterns are broken, new worlds emerge.

Thus we come to why I titled this post as “The fights.”

We are in a constant fight with the world, ourselves, and many elements from it. We're fighting to survive. We're fighting for the wrong, and we're fighting for the right. We're fighting so hard just to keep ourselves alive and keep our sense of self alive. And yes, that does sometimes take all that we have. But we should never give up from having values and trying to live up to them to the best of our abilities. Sincerity, integrity, insight, humility, honesty, these are big and scary words that seem like shoes that are too hard to fill. Yet these values are our friends, and they help us, together comprising our morals.

So, You, dear reader, sit down a bit, take a couple deep breaths, look inside of yourself, then up to sky. Embrace it all. Try to understand it, and then find and stick to those who help you break all of these patterns that are dragging us down, so that new worlds can actually emerge. Even if the knowledge you might gain is esoteric and not exoteric, you'll find that it is well worth it. Because the ones who, together with you, help you create the backbone of meaningfulness, the ones who help you create a better future on the long term, they are the ones who show the treasures and essence of life. These being invaluable experiences in our lives, that are few and far between, and hard to come by.

Life wants to make us end up being the prisoners of our own device. We shouldn't let that happen, should we? The world often tries you, by making you get stuck. Falling is fine. Failure is fine. Getting stuck and failing is not the end however. It is the place to facilitate new beginnings. It's atrociously difficult most of the time. But we get up, dust ourselves off, and we move on. Luckily for us, birds of a feather do tend to flock together; those of us who share these experiences and opinions stick together and we help each other out. Together, we can overcome this. So, Reader, whichever corner of the world you might be reading this post from,

You are not alone.

Always keep filtering.

Alright, this is a big and complex one.

I am writing this amidst still recovering from a horrible virosis, flu, it might as well be COVID with these symptoms, so I am hoping I'll make enough sense to get my points across.

ARE you prideful?

Like, really, think about it for a few moments.

If you instantly said “No.” – congratulations. You might have a proper bearing about yourself and the world, but you aren't safe.

Nobody is.

The world is trying to pressure all of us, and it's trying to put us into bubbles that make us seemingly happy and comfortable, no matter at what cost it actually comes with. An almost perfect mould. A mould which blinds us and makes us be exactly the way that they want us to be.

At this point you will either agree or disagree. But if you disagree... Congratulations are in order again, you are already blinded.

I'm not going to mince my words here, nor try to beat around the bush like people do.

What I mentioned is a thing that has been happening for decades. This is a tough to swallow fact for some, but it might open the eyes of others.

This is just the state of the world. The world wants you to be prideful, often without you even noticing it. To be blinded, and happy, thinking at least that most things are alright, and that the world is almost perfectly fine the way it is. It doesn't matter what it is, good, bad, as long as it keeps you somewhat happy. Selfishly so. Again, without you even realising.

And, dear reader, I'm not sure people realise how dangerous this is. How trapped some of us already are.

“But why would they do this?!?! This is not true!!!”

Oh yeah? Really?

The why is very simple. It's for control. Nobody can be controlled more easily than those who are comfortable and have not a single care in the world, about the world. Because if we're “happy” or “satisfied” it doesn't mean that the world is right, it only means that we are consciously or subconsciously overlooking the problems that are actually there. We're not even properly recognising them, and we often misattribute cause and effect.

I'll be blunt and clear and say that, yes, there are a lot of old views in this world that were problematic, and weren't exactly right, however there are quite a few outliers in this modern worldview and direction that is being forcibly pushed down our throats, ideologies that cause more harm on the long run than anyone can correctly ascertain as of this point, yet some of us are accepting them like brainwashed cattle just because it's different. Just because it enables something that wasn't enabled in the past. Just because we are suckers for new, but we don't realise that new doesn't automatically mean better.

Alright. What is better? What is good? What the hell is bad?

This is where it gets tricky.

In some ways it's harder to tell than ever. The world, its governments and influential people, wants to seed and sow distrust, disagreements, confusion, and rather controlled chaos. Again, for the simple reason of controlling us, because controlling us makes them richer. It makes it easier for them to perpetuate evil (yes, I am sure some of the folk out there don't even believe that evil exists), just because they are inspired to do so, and because they can do it.

With it comes their goal of making us unable to discern between right and wrong. Because if we can't do that... Then anything can happen and can be pushed down our throats. Sure, there will be some voices and outcries from various groups, but they never seemed to be loud enough to actually change the course of a set goal, unless it was to the advantage of reaching said goal.

Moral (un)relativity

(This one deserves its own subtitle.)

A concerning amount of people are adamant that right and wrong is not only completely relative and interchangeable, but also outright don't exist. And that is a dangerous oversimplification made by people who carve and shave down the way the world works until it fits their own shallow and “factual” worldview.

So the question is can we actually discern between right and wrong?

In short, yes.

We were made to understand and feel the difference even at an early age. Unfortunately at this early age the numbing down of our ability to distinguish between right and wrong may happen. Not necessarily because our parents and (later on) teachers don't want what's best for us, but simply because they also don't know any better, and this has been getting worse over the past few generations.

How can we discern between right and wrong?

Here's some food for thought:

• right and wrong is a layer that is deeply intrinsic and tied to our core existence
• right and wrong is not relative
• if we can't tell the difference between right and wrong, it means we aren't wise or experienced enough yet
• it is a trained ability

And since it is a trained ability, we ought to do our best and actively train it, otherwise it will go to waste. And such and important part of us should never be let to go to waste. We must continue to seek to understand, every single day, what exactly is right, and wrong, how we may be wrong about the things we consider right, and vice versa. Because it is good to have convictions, but we must be certain that those convictions are right. We shouldn't let ourselves be fooled and blinded; put into this overly self-gratifying bubble in which we think we know everything, in which we are so perfectly isolated that our discernment gets cloudy, all whilst paradoxically thinking we are smarter and more right than ever. But are we really? Or are we just put into this bubble to be made to think that way?

Never let yourself be fooled like this.

But alas, a split is happening. Bubbles are bursting. People are waking up from their sweet or morose slumber, and they started opening their eyes. Once one person opens their eyes, and raises their voice, like a chain reaction, others are soon to follow. Lies are going to be dispelled. And the symbolic cataracts from our eyes will disappear, and we will see things more clearly.

But the rest of people?

They will be even more blind.

“The question is not what you look at, but what you see. ” ― Henry David Thoreau

I dread this feeling.

I fucking dread this feeling.

Emotions clashing like turbulent waves foreshadowing an imminent tsunami.

Confusion. Haze.

No clear cut boundaries. No contours. Just the feeling of being washed away, enveloped in a thick mist of pain, fever, heavy-headedness, just feeling uncomfortable.

I don't like this place.

But I know it so well.

Even though it's never quite the same.

A mystical land where physical pain merges inextricably with emotional pain. A place from which you escape from, over, and over again. But it manages to draw you back in. The slippery slope between “I can do this.” and “I can't”. A place always changing its terrain, but never its familiar scenery. It's dark, damp, cold. Sometimes even too hot. Hands are rising up from the floor, grabbing at your feet, trying to pull you down.

Delirium.

Which way to go??? Doesn't matter. YES IT MATTERS!!! No it doesn't. Just go down without a fight. Go gentle into that goodnight. I won't listen to you. Oh, you won't? I won't.

I keep moving. It is what I'll always try to do. I will keep moving. I've bounced back from this place before. I've split the seemingly inextricable. I've chopped at a problem relentlessly, until, eventually, a crack appeared. Nights plagued by insomnia didn't stop me. They enabled me. I am afraid. But I try, every day, and every night, to stare down my fears. To face them. Sometimes I win over them. Sometimes I don't. Even when I feel like giving it all up. I keep moving. Even if it's slow.

To hell with it all. Give it up. Is that how you feel deep inside?

I do listen to my inner voice. I acknowledge it. I face my own feelings, the ones I so keenly ran away from for too much time. But I filter.

“A man who cannot command himself will always be a slave.” ― Goethe

I filter because my aim is to grow.

You think you aren't able to get out of that slippery slope?

You are still here. Take a moment to reflect on that. How many things were there that annihilated you, yet you still came back? How many things did you think would destroy you, but barely dented you? Take another moment now to just... Breathe. Deeply. Do you feel all of that?

I am certain you do.

Do you appreciate it?

You might not want to appreciate it. You may say the cost is simply too great. And that may feel like the most clear truth you've ever felt.

Yet you are still here.

You are. Because you are resilient. Because you are fighting. Because you just... are. It sometimes feels like it's pointless. I know. But I've heard something ages ago, which I haven't fully understood back in the day, but I'm getting closer to understanding it now.

The will to live will always outweigh the ability to die.

Oh, yeah? That's wrong, so many people are just gone.

That's true.

But all of them are remembered for a while. Their actions, be it minuscule or grand, have affected the lives of other people one way or another.

We have presence.

Every second we are alive, in and of itself, is a miracle, even if it doesn't feel like it. Even if it seems worthless. You're a complex human being who is functioning to the best of your abilities, churning away at both the mundane and the extraordinary, experiencing it.

And that... matters.

So, the trick is to keep clinging to our capability of living. Eventually the will may formulate and manifest itself clearly.

“I want to because . . . “.

Keep holding on, dear reader.

It will make sense later.

I believe in you.

It's five minutes past midnight.

Just managed to finally lay down in my bed.

The familiar sound of the refrigerator unit across the street incessantly whirrs away like clockwork next to the supermarket.

I actually like it.

Some cars zoom past every now and then, making use of the lack of traffic.

The beeping of the pedestrian crossing suddenly comes on, breaking the otherwise stable flow of life.

A passing train honks its horn far away in the distance, warning people potentially wanting to cross the railways.

Then, silence.

I love night-time. Regardless of my insomnia, it's one of few peaceful moments in my life. It draws me in, it's like a different world altogether for me. A world in which in some ways I feel more at home. It envelops me. Making me feel less alone in a peculiar way.

This is also the time to count my blessings. To reflect and engage in some much needed introspection.

Hey, You! Yes. You. If you happen to be reading this, take 5 minutes next time when you get into bed to do the same. Count your blessings, do some soul searching. Take out the trash from your mind.

It helps.

already in bed waiting for the warm grasp of sleepiness to pull me into peaceful slumber

I am exhausted, I should fall asleep soon

time passes

too much time passes

checks the time on my phone

it's 2:something AM.

I just can't fall asleep

Familiar? Isn't it? I have been struggling with falling asleep for years now, something that I try to treat in numerous ways, but... to little or no avail. It's almost as if more people suffer from this nowadays than in the past. In fact I am certain of that.

But why is it like this?

All stars seem to align, I've had a great week, I was physically active enough, I'm not consciously thinking sad thoughts, I am okay.

Yet, I still can't fall asleep.

Well, the underlying problem is world and its circumstances, of course, the eternal cliché that so many of us rely on, with its conundrums of things we can't really change at this moment.

The pressure of everything cracks us from the inside out. Even when we think we are okay we aren't entirely ok. We have just gotten used to coping with what life throws at us, because we ought to survive. We are managing ourselves with various degrees of success, but we're also almost always compromising on something.

Even if I didn't have worries in this life that are gnawing away at my cerebral cortex, currently I cannot change my physical circumstances and limitations.

“Oh, but there's no such thing that you cannot change, nothing is impossible, you can change anything you like!”

Miss me with that one, will you? Optimism is undeniably a good value, but the moment it slides into the territory of being overly-optimistic and overconfident it start flirting with foolishness. That's something we don't need to seek for. We are all foolish sometimes, without even intentionally trying to be like that. Foolishness inevitably finds us.

There are some things that cannot be changed.

Also things that shouldn't be changed.

But that's a different topic altogether which I may or may not touch on later in this blog.

Nevertheless, returning from my small digression, I will continue to try to adjust whatever can be adjusted to give myself a better quality sleep. I think we should all stop beating ourselves up over the things that we cannot change and focus whatever small slivers of energy we have left on things that we can change. Not letting the “unchangeable” fully out of sight either, just tossing it over to our peripheral vision, since, there may as well come a time when we will be brighter and wiser, and will find a way to make ourselves, and our lives better.

“There is a time for many words, and there is also a time for sleep.” ― Homer, The Odyssey